I’m going to get better.

I’m going to be happy.

I’m going to get my shit together.

I’m going to volunteer.

I’m going to smile every day.

I’m going to remind myself to be glad I’m alive.

I’m going to get through this.

This school year has most likely been the most terrible year for me. Honestly, I hated this school year, and I just wanted to kill myself everyday because of how… How bad I felt for myself.

In the first semester, I was in marching band. I actually enjoyed that; I didn’t enjoy getting yelled at, though. Was it really my fault I had no idea what to do? Yes, we had the summer to prepare, but that once a week practice was not enough. I also made friends, but lost them very quickly. In fact: were they even friends to begin with? I don’t think so. Friends would be there in a time of need. They’d make you laugh. They’d want to hang out with you. They wouldn’t make you feel out of place and like a freak. I was probably the goat in a flock of sheep. Do I give a fuck now? No.

I still care about the people in band, but I don’t think I was ever friends with any of them. Sure, they’d hear about my tough times sometimes, but they never really got to know me. None of them ever tried. Even now, in second semester, it’s like I never existed. It hurts, you know? Thinking that these people were my “family” when they seem like they don’t really give a fuck now. Haha, but of course, it’s always a matter of perspective.

I’m never going back there. The emotional pain was too much for me. Every day, I’d feel like a loner. I was the odd one out in my little section (maybe cause I was the only girl). They didn’t care about me one bit. I felt like I was a nuisance to them, and that they’re probably glad I’m gone. But whatever; I’m out of there, and I’m out of feeling like I don’t belong anywhere. I was alone.

Second semester hit, and I kind of like it, but I still kind of hate it, of course. I still feel kind of like an outside, but hey, it wasn’t as bad as before. At least I had some  really familiar people who would actually give a shit about me.

But this also made me realize that some people are not who I thought they were.

I actually really despise people :) But whatever. That’s that. I’m going to work around that and be happy. I think I deserve it. I know I’m not the best person around, but I think that even I deserve happiness.

I don’t think anyone ever realizes how much I’m hurting.　

My life is spiraling down, and I’m too tired to try and fix it. 

I’m really not happy with my life right now.

That needs to change. I need to do something because feeling like this almost every day is really bumming me out.

What happened to me? I used to be so happy and full of life. I used to look forward to the next day and to the sun shining down on me. I used to want to eat all the time and talk to people. I used to want to be with my family and friends.

Now, I just feel so dead and tired. I look forward to going to sleep every day because at least then, I can escape from these shit feelings. I hate that there’s a new day right after and I hate the sun being there every morning. I eat when I feel like it, which is rarely now, and I absolutely hate talking to people. I don’t like being with my family or friends. Or rather, lack of family and friends.

I just…

I don’t know what went wrong, you know? I felt like my life was so wonderful before, and now it’s just… shit.

What in the world happened to me?

Listening to music and relaxing. Why can’t every day be like this?

Today’s been okay, but I just feel like curling up into a ball and crying. Ever get that feeling of hopelessness?

and when you try to really be you, people can’t accept that. they make you feel stupid. they make you feel weird. they make you feel unwanted. so you keep up with this false pretense and hope that you’ll be okay. you put on that fake smile. say fake things that may or may not be true. and pretend. that’s all it ever is. just an act.

You try to fix it, but end up fooling yourself even more. You don’t belong anywhere and you feel like shit, so you just hide it and hope it goes away, but it eats away at you from the back of your mind, slowly devouring your soul.

They’re all fucking hypocrites. Aloha? Please, you weren’t showing us “aloha” today. You guys took really long, and even as we were cleaning up, you guys just sat there. No, just not. That’s not being courteous. That’s not showing aloha. Just because you guys have all the time in the world doesn’t mean other people don’t. The world does not revolve around you guys.

Did you guys know that I have a lot of homework to do? Or that my mom was home alone, and she’s really sick? Or that my baby cousin was really sleepy and wanted to go home? No. I didn’t expect you guys to, but I did expect you guys to be fucking courteous and get the memo that when I went into the van, you guys should be heading home.

I am seriously fucking pissed. You guys are really inconsiderate. 

I had a pretty good day today. I’m glad.

I feel like a failure.

I always think that people are letting me down, but what if it’s just me letting myself down? I expect too much out of people and am very disappointed when they do something that I don’t like. It’s my problem; not theirs. I’m the one that doesn’t accept their flaws.

I hate being like this. I hate judging people. I wish that I was like my sisters. Maybe then, everyone would stop comparing me to them. And maybe then, I’d have friends that I can really open up to.

Maybe then, everyone will start to care about me.

My problem is that I treat people like they’re my first priority, when really, I’m their last.

People act civil towards me. I guess it’s because I’m considered “nice” and “smart” and “helpful” but say… 10 years from now, no one is going to remember me. I’m just one of those girls who helped out and what not. For some reason, everyone always remember the overachievers, class clowns, and the bitchy people; never the average kid. I want to be remembered. I’m not exactly the kid everyone wants to befriend at first glance.

I don’t leave impressions on people. I’m just… there. I could say I had friends, when really they’re probably just people I hung out with. People don’t really know me.

I don’t know me either, but.

This post was pointless. Nevermind.