I’m going to get better.

I’m going to be happy.

I’m going to get my shit together.

I’m going to volunteer.

I’m going to smile every day.

I’m going to remind myself to be glad I’m alive.

I’m going to get through this.

This school year has most likely been the most terrible year for me. Honestly, I hated this school year, and I just wanted to kill myself everyday because of how… How bad I felt for myself.

In the first semester, I was in marching band. I actually enjoyed that; I didn’t enjoy getting yelled at, though. Was it really my fault I had no idea what to do? Yes, we had the summer to prepare, but that once a week practice was not enough. I also made friends, but lost them very quickly. In fact: were they even friends to begin with? I don’t think so. Friends would be there in a time of need. They’d make you laugh. They’d want to hang out with you. They wouldn’t make you feel out of place and like a freak. I was probably the goat in a flock of sheep. Do I give a fuck now? No.

I still care about the people in band, but I don’t think I was ever friends with any of them. Sure, they’d hear about my tough times sometimes, but they never really got to know me. None of them ever tried. Even now, in second semester, it’s like I never existed. It hurts, you know? Thinking that these people were my “family” when they seem like they don’t really give a fuck now. Haha, but of course, it’s always a matter of perspective.

I’m never going back there. The emotional pain was too much for me. Every day, I’d feel like a loner. I was the odd one out in my little section (maybe cause I was the only girl). They didn’t care about me one bit. I felt like I was a nuisance to them, and that they’re probably glad I’m gone. But whatever; I’m out of there, and I’m out of feeling like I don’t belong anywhere. I was alone.

Second semester hit, and I kind of like it, but I still kind of hate it, of course. I still feel kind of like an outside, but hey, it wasn’t as bad as before. At least I had some  really familiar people who would actually give a shit about me.

But this also made me realize that some people are not who I thought they were.

I actually really despise people :) But whatever. That’s that. I’m going to work around that and be happy. I think I deserve it. I know I’m not the best person around, but I think that even I deserve happiness.

You left me. There’s no way around it. No matter what angle you look at it from, you left. You promised you’d be there for me, but you’re not. End of story.　

My sister didn’t call and I thought something bad happened to her, so I started to panic. And here I am crying because I thought I lost her.

Stupid, I know, but I have issues with being home alone. 

I hate trying to open up to people because they don’t really care about what I have to say. I know some people care, but still. It hurts. So excuse me if I don’t open up to you. I just don’t like getting hurt.

I’m actually just going across the street from my school to get a bubble drink with blue tapioca balls. I just need something to do for a bit. My mind’s been a mess lately.

I get headaches so much that I sometimes wonder what the pounding in my head is.　

“What happened to romance?” I always liked the idea of a guy trying to sweep me off my feet and what not. 　

I got a 79/80 on my bio exam for cellular activities :)

It’s just been something that I’ve always wanted to do. For about 3 years now, I’ve always wanted to help people, even if it was just a little bit. And in a way, I think I did.

As selfish as this sounds… What about me? I wish someone would save me. It’s a lot to ask for, I know, and it’s pretty selfish, but it’s just been something that I’ve always wanted.

For a while, I’ve been at war with myself, and those feelings are winning the battle. I’m losing the fight, and I didn’t even get the chance to fire yet. I just wish that someone would listen to what I have to say and give me feedback, or their opinion of things.

But I also want a friend. Someone to be there for me when I’m down. Someone to laugh at stupid things with me. Someone who’ll randomly pop up out of nowhere and just hang out with me. I want to be around someone who I can be myself around and not be judged.

But in this world, it’s a lot to ask for.

I’m sorry I have no obedience, mom. I’m sorry you don’t know what to do with me anymore. I’m sorry I’m such a disappointment. I’m sorry I’m not the daughter you wanted. I’m sorry I can’t be normal.　 I’m sorry, okay?

But obviously, sorry isn’t enough.

I don’t think anyone ever realizes how much I’m hurting.　

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